Have you ever been in a room full of people and still felt alone?
​And other times you felt completely fulfilled?

It turns out there is a reason for that.

Feeling lonely in a crowd happens when you lack meaningful emotional connection, while feeling fulfilled comes from being aligned with yourself or experiencing true belonging.

We dare to really show ourselves and feel like we belong in relationships that feel safe. Welcome to the monthly theme of June at InnerBalance: Foundations of Healthy Relationships.

Remember, the basis of every healthy relationship starts within:

We are all Social Experts.

What do you usually think about, when you are not doing anything?

If you are like most humans you thought about other people, yourself, or both. What is happening when we are not given a specific task? The "default mode" of our brain turns on. And surprisingly (or not), it consists of social thinking. This is, what we do every second of free-time we have. A rule of thumb is: engaging 10.000 hours in any activity makes us an expert. Most of us reached that amount roughly by the age of 10! That makes us true experts!

Or what do you think?

Yet, we still seem to have too many conflicts.

It would be amazing if we used that huge amount of social thinking to develop healthier habits in our relationships, learn to relate to others more mindfully, and find more productive ways to resolve conflicts.

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case...

We all know them very well. However, we often can't avoid such reactions, nor do we know how to respond when others act that way.

A concept from Dr. John Gottman. They are usually protective strategies that emerge when deeper needs are not being recognized, expressed, or met. So they are born from a vulnerability that the person is trying to hide. Often the deeper wish is reconnection and solving conflicts. However, the opposite is achieved. This is called the paradox of the four horsemen.

The relationship gets into danger when these patterns become the norm of communication. They gradually erode trust, intimacy, and connection.

Stop! 🛑 Let’s stay healthy :)

It's not easy to stop conflicts, take a step back, and shift our energy towards addressing them so that we can reconnect and develop a deeper understanding of each other.

So how do we get there?

Some reactive conflicts might blind us, so our reactions become purely reptilian. Thinking about what is important to you and the other person — the core need underneath — and approaching it with empathy can help you calm down and take the right steps.

It might help to focus on the wish to have a healthy relationship and on transforming conflict into an opportunity to grow.

In fact, research suggests that it is not disagreement itself that harms relationships, but how we handle it.

Healthy relationships are not primarily built on perfect communication techniques or finding the "right" people. They are built on a foundation of authenticity, trust, curiosity, care, and a willingness to grow together.

Because at the end of the day, flourishing is rarely a solo project.

At InnerBalance, we often talk about Emotional Intelligence. But Emotional Intelligence does not come alive in theory.

It comes alive in real relationships.

• In the moments where we listen instead of assuming.
• Where we stay curious instead of judging.
• Where we allow ourselves to be seen.

And perhaps some of the most important growth in our lives happens when we allow ourselves to truly belong.

The Biggest Takeaway.

Many qualities associated with healthy relationships point back to our relationship with ourselves. The ability to communicate needs, reflect on our own beliefs, apologize when necessary, regulate our emotions, and avoid taking things personally all require self-awareness.

Healthy relationships seem to flourish when both people can hold their own emotions, needs, and perspectives without losing sight of the other person's experience.

Growth isn't about never making mistakes.

After giving our workshop on the four Horsemen, we realized:

In a conflict we had shortly after the workshop, we rapidly went through all four of them. Within minutes, we felt distant and misunderstood. It was an interesting experience that served as a way to deepen the topic of the month even more.

With the new knowledge and awareness at hand we detected them disguised as very light versions. After reconnecting, we realized how we spiraled from one Horseman to the next, putting even more wood into the fire. Even tiny movements can be interpreted as contempt leaving the other person feel depreciated.

The realization wasn't that we had fallen into the pattern. It was that we noticed it. Awareness didn't prevent the Horsemen from showing up, but it allowed us to interrupt the spiral before it carried us even further apart. Growth isn't about never making these mistakes again. It's about recognizing them sooner and finding our way back to each other.

The last month has been noisy. Very loud.

Between to-dos, and ups and downs of motivation, it suddenly hit us — "we need to change something".

We realized we were creating many parts of a puzzle but putting them in the wrong position. They seem to fit until suddenly some stopped fitting.

Do you know that picture of turning the whole table around?

All pieces flying in different directions, so you need to put your ass on the floor to reposition them together. In that moment, when frustration and new perspectives cross, clarity emerges!

And a new way of building the puzzle is found. One that really fits.

People are busier than ever and at the same time becoming more isolated than ever.

We care, and that's why:

InnerBalance Hub is designed as a growth companion that fits easily in the daily life and a heart space you carry in your pocket.

Now, members can access the InnerBalance App (or web version) for only 9€ a month, and from there, choose if they want to deepen their journey even more through the live gatherings or not.